Resolutions.

I love order. I love lists. I love rubrics. I love to measure and evaluate. I love to be evaluated. I love to be given gold stars. It’s no surprise I love to make New Year’s Resolutions. I love the Jack’s Mannequin song “The Resolution.” There’s something about a fresh start, a new page, that fills me with hope and optimism. Each year I think this will be the one I get myself together. This year I’ll check off some of the big things that have been looming in my life. Every December 31st I look at the list and feel like I come up short. It’s disheartening and, often, it leads me to discredit the things I do accomplish or create during the year. For 2017 my plan was to:

• Read 26 books
• Run two half marathons
• Attend my weigh-ins (Weight Watchers)
• Attend five classes each week
• Add significantly to my savings account
• Journal
• Average two posts per week here
• Attend a new social event each month
• Get Mind + Matter to the point where we could pay one full time employee

The actuality of the situation was much different. In reality I:

• Read 5 books (maybe)
• Ran a total of 12 miles (I’m probably being generous)
• Quit WW by March
• Was less consistent in my practice
• LOOOOOLLLLLLL. I tweeted and put stuff on Instagram
• Averaged one post every two months, at best
• Netflix binged West Wing, Gilmore Girls, New Girl, Love, Easy, Love Sick, and Fuller House
• We’re paying both of us and it’s not anywhere close to a “full” salary

When I look at the list, I feel like a failed. I feel like I didn’t do enough. I know these goals are good but they also didn’t necessary leave room for life to occur. While I think there are people who do well with this structure and can look at progress against them in a positive light. The more I get to know myself, I know that these lists, this structure isn’t good for me. I set myself up for failure because I see success as black and white; either I meet a goal or I don’t. If I don’t, I’ve failed, and I take in failure it a really big way. As we move into the new year, how do I balance my desire to continually improve while still caring for myself?

This year I let go of “Resolutions.” This year, I have one resolution, I choose to let go of expectation. I choose to do my best in every moment, in everyday, while acknowledging that looks different each day. There are things I’ll prioritize but not make them big, daunting must accomplish or risk failure items. I choose to:

• Move in a meaningful way for at least thirty minutes each day
• Consume (food, alcohol, media) in a way that is helpful to my wellbeing
• Turn the TV off before bed to read
• Prioritize rest
• Explore more
• Let go of more (anger, resentment, judgement, jealousy, material things)
• Be open to challenges, changes, opportunities, growth
• Live in my truth rather than in the shadow of my expectation
• Wishing you and yours a year of health, happiness, and growth.

Love always,

Dre

Photo by Jan Kahánek on Unsplash