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I don’t share a lot about my physical journey, it doesn’t feel natural to do so for me. Recently more people have been asking me, so I decided to celebrate a ‘big’ success moment. I do, however, frequently share about my yoga journey. Being able to express my struggles, triumphs, moments of acceptance, and moments of growth feel more meaningful than sharing numbers on a scale or sizes printed on tags. I share because I hope that my happiness can inspire someone to start their own journey.
I’ve always been a bit different. Sure, everyone is. It seems to me that despite all being different, the majority of people are still dancing to the same beat. Humans by nature tend to follow the strongest beat, locked together in a robotic step towards predetermined notions of success and happiness all the while missing the spaces in between the beats. To me, these spaces are where expression happens. These spaces are where we take the dance we know as life, and make it something that is entirely our own.
I’ve always overextended myself. Committing to projects, groups, and events because I hate saying no, or for it to seem like I’m unable to handle any and everything thrown at me. Slowly the yeses start to be more weight than I can handle. More time to spend on everything and everyone other than myself. I would spend more time and energy doing for others that I would forget to not just do the things that matter to me but, often, to just take care of myself. I would worry myself so much about letting anyone down that I let everyone down by not being able to present my best possible self.
When we’re little our growth is charted by developmental milestones. By two months we should be smiling, cooing, looking for our parents. By one year we should have favorite things/people, follow simple directions, be able to stand or take a few steps with help. By five years we should want to be like our friends, speak clearly, be able to use utensils. The CDC stops milestone lists at five, after that growth is kind of on your own pace. But is it really? Or are there unspoken developmental milestones we ‘should’ be meeting?
It was a lie. I knew exactly why I didn’t think I could teach a yoga sculpt class. I made it through the training. I knew the flow of the class. I knew had every tool I needed to teach. I also knew I couldn’t do it. I’m not a yoga teacher. I get my pants at Target, not Lulu. Most days I can’t do full chaturangas through classes. I use the lightest weights. I don’t look like a teacher. In my head I knew anyone walking into a class would see me and think I shouldn’t be teaching. I knew they would know I’m an impostor.
I’ve created a life where I’m constantly bustling from one activity to another partially from my need to stay moving, partially from my inability to say no to anyone... I can only apologize for not being able to make events so many times before the apology looks insincere, before I stop getting invited. So yes, I’m busy. Being busy is a badge of honor at this point. It means I’m doing more, producing more, accomplishing more. But am I? And at what point is busy an excuse? And at what point is that excuse no longer valid? At some point me being busy isn’t a badge of honor, it just makes me look like a jerk.
This is really all Shonda’s fault. “This” really refers to a few things...
...But mostly it’s Shonda’s fault for the last month of my life I have stepped out of my comfort zone, and it’s scary out here.
You’re probably wondering how the Queen of Thursday Night nudged me out of the safety of my routine little world.
